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The Crack: Zombie Eggs!/Transcript
(The episode starts off with Jason bouncing towards Dan) Jason: Dan! Dan! Dan: What? Jason: Zombies. (Camera pans over to several sickly green eggs with yellowed whites and red irises making groaning sounds and slowly advancing towards Dan and Jason) Dan: Wait, zombies are real? Jason: Oh my god, THEY'VE STOLEN MY FACE! (Has no face) Dan: Nope, you just turned around. Jason: (Turns around, and now has a face) Oh. Okay. (Bird's eye view of the zombies, Dan, and Jason) Dan: Follow me! (Bounces toward the side of the refrigerator) Jason: (Bounces along with Dan) Dan: I want to kill Justin Bieber. (Cyan lines are traced onto the refrigerator. The lines are shaped like a door. The door opens, revealing several shotguns and a pile of Jason's cheese) Jason: Yeah! (The music becomes intense. Dan leaps in front of the zombies with a shotgun and shoots one in the head, and it is blown back quite a distance. It continues to advance as if nothing had happened. Dan shoots another zombie.) (Jason leaps in holding two wedges of his cheese.) Jason: Cheese attack! (Throws a wedge at a zombie. It simply bounces off, doing no damage.) Dan: (Shoots four more zombies) Jason: (Throws cheese. The zombies are unaffected, but one zombie ingests the cheese and gets bigger with the classic SMB Mushroom sound effect) Large Zombie: (Groan...) Jason: Ah, it's hopeless! They won't die! Dan: They don't seem to be moving very fast... (Grins towards Jason) Jason: ...(Gasps as he has an idea) (The two eggs push two zombies off the counter. Their groaning stops with a splat.) Dan: Hahaha. Bye! Jason: Dan! Dan: What? Jason: Vampires. (Camera pans over to four white eggs with white irises and pointed fangs) Vampire Eggs: Nyeeeeeh! (One vampire egg at the right continues to make the "Nyeh" sound) Dan: Okay, I get that they're vampires, but what about THAT guy? (Camera pans out to reveal a fifth egg perched upon a six-pack) Six-Pack Egg: I'm Jacob. And I'm not actually a vampire, I'm a werewo- Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. Jason: It's daytime. Shouldn't you be on fire? Vampire Egg #2: We don't combust. We just glisten. Yeah... (Vampire Egg #4 is still growling) Dan: This kitchen has pre-Twilight vampire rules. (Directs their attention to a sign) Sign: Pre-Twilight Vampire Rules: "This means that if you are a wimpy vampire, you will spontaneously combust. Also note: If you are reading this, you have no life. Nanananana waffles." That is all. (Camera moves to the vampires, which are now on fire) Vampire Egg #2: ...Oh. (Vampire Egg #4 is still growling) Jacob: Why am I on fire? (All four vampires, including Jacob, burn up, casting glare that Dan and Jason "shield" from their eyes.) (The counter is now entirely empty, excluding Dan and Jason.) Jason: Dan! Dan: What is it now?! Pixies?! Jason: Ghosts! (The camera pans over to...nothing.) Dan: ... (Stares at Jason with a "Seriously?" look) Return to The Crack: Zombie Eggs! Category:The Crack Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1